From the very first moment I wake up in the morning, my thoughts are not my own, but directed towards my family, my job, my house, and the "agenda." I have consistently struggled to find a few moments for me in the last 19 months, but now I have it down pat. As long as there is something in the day I can call my own, weather it be my warm cup of coffee in the morning, my bike ride at lunch, or my pedicure on the weekend, my sanity is intact. I am not sure if this is true for every new mother, but this sudden absence of taking myself into account was alarming. I have always been very invested in MY future, MY needs, MY interests. Just like that, suddenly "I" was gone in an instant. I was not shocked by how unselfish I quickly became, rather, how easy it was. There were days I didn't shower, I didn't have coffee, and I didn't sleep; eventually it took its toll and I looked in the mirror and realized the person looking back was a complete stranger. Since that very moment in time I have forced myself to connect with this person I now am, GIVE myself just one thing I want - no matter how small. As a matter of fact, I have gotten quite good at this...my husband spent the the majority of his time last night setting up our road bike on an inside trainer with a cadence sensor for me. I was happy he reminded me of that fact, it is important that I continue to strive towards this goal to never lose myself again. It is an ongoing challenge, when pieces of you go missing with your first waking moment in the morning. In the beginning I needed to take baby steps, and that lead me to where I am today. Most of my daily routine is of course dedicated to my little sunshine : ) and my amazing husband....what is left is evaporated into my job, which I am very dedicated to. Then comes immediate family, extended relatives, appointments, making/cleaning up dinner and other loose ends like making sure there is food (and COFFEE) in the kitchen. I assume that this is where I began to ponder this topic - how is there anything left to give to anything else. What happens when your tank is dry and the reserves are empty??? How do we manage to find a few minutes for yourself each day? My answer came to me tonight - you just do. I am a firm believer that moms have superpowers, we just need to tap into them. I have discovered that at the end of the day, after the insanity of appointments, meetings, errands and information overload I kiss my munchkin, and spend a few minutes with my husband... and all of my pieces return to me, and I feel whole again. Ironic right? This role of motherhood that almost once stole my identity, has also has returned it to me. I know without a doubt becoming a mom has made me a stronger woman and a better person overall. One of the reasons I find fascination with motherhood is because this role is somewhat of an enigma to me. I watched my mother give,and give and give, and she gave so much that she eventually gave UP. I still to this day don't completely understand it completely, but somehow illness and her inability to put the bottle down resulted in losing her at the delicate age of 6. It was a known fact that she was going to "leave us" to go to heaven. My mom and I used to talk about what color heaven was. Even if she didn't tell me (in other words) I saw her struggle through the end stages of liver disease, and even at my young age I knew something was terribly wrong. We even have an oversized oil painting with my two older sisters and I standing around her, all of us in white including her. This painting haunts me to this day. Her expression was morose; she knew. It makes me sad, that the three of us girls could not complete her at the end of the day as Liam does for me, even if my dad was out of the picture by then. It is tragic to me that all the she gave to create her family did not in turn perfect her life to the degree I feel my family does. As a mother I can agree the constant giving can be draining, but it is hands down the highest honor I have ever had, and gives me nothing but joy. After my mother passed away, my father stepped up and created his own business and did very well, I didn't comprehend all he sacrificed to give our family a good life. I saw a very unhappy, grumpy man that I felt sad for all the time. Looking back, what my father did for us behind the scenes, was amazing. I am very lucky to have the relationship I have with my father after all we have gone through. My sister closest in age, learned everything their was about giving from a very young age. Being less than 2 years older than me, she took over the house chores, taught me how to do my hair, and pretty much became my mother hen. I know it wasn't easy, I was a clingy kid with confidence issues who had night terrors (and we shared a room). The support my sister provided me, the role she took on meant losing a part of her childhood, sacrificing something I will never fully understand. Every thing I know about motherhood comes mostly from what she and a few other phenomenal women taught me over my years, including my godmother, my grandmoms, and my aunts. My sister is an amazing mother. She is tough on her kids, has very high expectations, and would do anything for them. We often comment about how happy it makes us that they will never know some of the hardships we experienced.
So to sum up this long post, I am urging moms out there- please take time for yourself! Start today! Start with baby steps, like taking 5 extra minutes for HOT coffee. You will find that in all the giving you do throughout the day- you need to give to yourself as well! If you find the ability to include yourself, you send yourself blessings tenfold each day! You will remain connected to the single most important person in your corner...YOU!
