Hello all!
As some may know I took a break from blogging to expand our family, and I felt I needed to revamp things since my life is now SO full with not one miracle but two! I hope you enjoy my new blog, being a mom is the best job ever, and my very first priority! I hope to continue to update friends and family with the ups, downs and everything in between that happens in this place called motherhood.
January 9th, 2013 is a day that I witnessed nightmares and miracles all happening at the same time, and while there is nothing I enjoy more than watching my son grow, thrive and smile...those hours leading up to, during and after the event of Liam’s birth will never leave me even if I wanted them to. Some of those moments broke my heart and there is no number of years that can pass that will ever ease that pain. And now we are going on 5 years... exactly 1,825 days later not only am I able to tell the story without crying, I am able to tell the story in a way so that other people don’t want to cry either- that makes me SO damn proud of myself! (FYI if you don't know our story please look back to post #1) I would like to give you a little bit of an idea what it has been like on the other side of things..you see, most of you have been on the receiving end of our story...however I wanted to give you a bit of insight what it is like here, in my shoes...so- let's start right at the beginning.
My very first experience was with the RN who delivered Liam. I will never forget her, and so Sue if you are reading this by some chance, I feel the need to say sorry. You see, this nurse literally told me she couldn't step foot into an OR after what happened with us (I spoke with her a few days afterwards), she was so shaken up about it. It was hard to hear how negatively my little miracle had impacted the medical team, but it helped me understand that the intensity of what we went thru was truly felt by others as well, looking back as bad as I felt I needed to hear that I wasn't alone. Sue reinforced to me that there were just no warning signs, I was so completely....stable... We cried together. I heard about some of the NICU nurses that were quite upset as well, given that I was a completely healthy woman and had such a poor outcome.
I had a close friend who was expecting at the time I delivered, she had roughly 3 months to go with her pregnancy. She knew things were not going smoothly and so when she called for an update and I didn't respond she became alarmed, when I was finally able to talk to her, I didn't think it through and I told the truth- I will never forget her crying on the phone to me as I lay in the ICU thinking to myself -- if SHE is crying this really must be the nightmare I feel like it is because she is not the over emotional type. I wish I would have told her not to worry this couldn't happen to her too since it was a 1 in a million outcome...but I don't even think I was able to get that statement out. I realized at that moment how much power my story had to literally scare and upset women, especially those of childbearing age.
After we were at home a few weeks Liam was evaluated by the county for services, I vividly remember the case worker telling me after having 3 kids she thought she had seen and heard it all and was practically in tears and told me "I just don't know what to even say to you" ..
Some people in my life weren't even told....family and friends decided that since they were pregnant it would be best if they didn't know until later. At times it didn't even take me telling my story....once I was getting a test at the doctors office, and I heard the med tech breaking down outside my room after reading my chart history, they had to send someone else in to attend to me. Thru the door I heard the nurse practitioner consoling this med tech saying "this literally couldn't happen" ...."this is not something you need to be scared about"...yet the young woman kept persisting "but how do you know for sure- now I don't even know if I want to get pregnant!" I remember it went on for a few minutes and I thought to myself, I should really tell them that patients can hear thru the closed doors... I am sure I am not the first person that heard something I probably wasn't supposed to! On my way out I saw this med tech that had gotten upset, and all she said to me was, "You are a very brave woman." I was getting tests to get clearance to go forward with another pregnancy..I guess I should have consoled her more, but at the time I thought it best if I just left.
There have been times that during a conversation birth stories came up with friends and I have struggled so hard to give a watered down version of events, yet people inquire to know more and more until they end up knowing the entire story...and it usually ends something along the lines of “wow I don’t know if I would have made it thru something like that, I don’t know how you did it".. please believe me when I tell you this does not make me feel strong, or good, or deserving of praise. Going thru all of this made me not want to recount my story to even strangers. I remember taking Liam to the playground and there was a group of moms chatting, telling the tales of birth and being a new mom. I knew how the conversation would turn if I joined in so instead I decided I would just keep to myself. After I went home I was so angry with myself that I was not able to rise above my experiences...at the time I really could have used some mom friends and support.
So...as I said I feel like I have come along way in this journey, I am SO happy to say that just TODAY I was able to have a friendly conversation while giving a brief “snapshot” of my first birth experience, without turning the conversation scary, having to recount the whole story, or making anyone upset, including myself! This was very important especially since I was at a baby shower. In the past in a situation like this I would have just kept to myself altogether.. now I finally think I am strong enough that I don't have to do that anymore! I don't pat myself on the back much, but today was a huge accomplishment!
So what is next? Well I am pretty sure the next challenge will be how we tell our absolutely brilliant child about his story. This will be a whole entire new mountain for us to climb as a family, and this is something I have been so ever nervous about in the past...but now I know it will happen the way its supposed to, just like everything else!
**The best advice I can give anyone, including myself is this: God will only give you what you can handle.***
Love,
A very proud mama
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