Crying it out

I know this is a topic of debate in the world of parenting right now. I have to say it does have its place, and when I use this technique there are solid boundaries so that it is not taken to an extreme. I am very particular about how I raise my child, given that my mom was ill and passed when I was young, and my dad did the best he could...I spent a lot of time with grandparents, however they have all passed as well. I don't have many traditions, songs, memories, or stories passed down to me about bedtime routines or any other parenting technique...so I have decided to come up with my own and this is one reason for this blog! There is ALOT of information out there about the "best" way to raise your child, it is so easy to get lost in it all, the articles and research and the endless opinions of others that are presented as fact when they obviously are not.... First, any momma out there that can listen to your baby wail and keep a straight face- KUDOS to you! I envy you! This technique has been useful as our young toddler LOVES to stay awake until past 11pm if we let him, the exhaustion sure takes a toll on all of us the following days and weeks. SO, in order to keep him on a schedule we need to let him cry it out if our other normal bedtime routines do not work. I will tell you, two minutes of hearing him cry and I am practically a caged animal, my bones ache, and it seems nothing could stop me from sprinting to my baby and scooping him up...and then I hear my wonderful husband remind me in a calm tone, "he is fine, let it go another minute." These words sound barbaric to me, but somewhere in the back of my mind I remember that he is right....and usually within the next few moments (which feel like hours) our little bundle is out cold. This technique is not full proof, it doesn't always work, which was the case last night for us. This is why it is so important to have solid boundaries, a point at which you tell yourself, this is not working my baby needs me, and I need to try something else. Last night, our babe was happy to cuddle with daddy and fall asleep on his shoulder. As much as I want to encourage Liam to fall asleep in his crib, I know that our little guy is going through a whirlwind of transition right now...between being transitioned into the toddler room at daycare, having at least 5 teeth on the way in, the switchover from formula to milk, as well as him being more aware in general of the world around him it makes complete sense that sometimes he just needs to be coddled to know that everything is still alright. He slept well until about 3am, and then ended up in bed with us. Not sure exactly what was going on with him last night, but he was happy to sleep in between us and we were all happy to get some rest. I am hoping the rest of the week goes better. Until then, here's to hoping you all got a great night of sleep!

Follow ups, Milestones, and our first year as a family

I have not been looking forward to writing this blog. The truth is, that although I could not be more grateful that our little man has done so well, that there is a portion of me that dreads all of the doctors appointments, and the way we simply obsess over everything our child does...

 Follow ups. Well, let's just say there were more than I could count. In the beginning, Liam was still on Phenobarbital which required blood work at times, I was still attempting to nurse, and Liam had some other routine tests done, this was all on top of the peds appts, neurology/EEG's, and NICU follow ups. I think I went back to see the lactation specialist maybe three times the first month. I begged and willed my body to do just ONE thing right..unfortunately in the end, it just wasn't the right decision for me and little man... Then we discovered he had a tough case of torticollis. If your not familiar, this is a condition newborns are sometimes diagnosed with where they have trouble moving their neck due to the cramped space they were in for 9 months! Usually it takes some physical therapy and it resolves...Thus began our weekly physical therapy meetings which have now become routine even after all issues have resolved, just to monitor Liam's progress. As time went on, things got easier in the sense that we got used to the chaos. Once I started back to work things got even more insane, and my husband and I communicated mostly through text and email, most of our discussions were who was taking Liam to what appointment, and who was able to take time off of work. Luckily, it all worked out. Liam's appointments all were going great! Liam's EEG results were normal at 3 months and he was taken off the seizure medication- this was HUGE for us, we celebrated!  We are also so incredibly proud to say that he met most of his milestones AHEAD of time. Many times when Liam would see a doctor that wasn't familiar to him would be astounded by looking at him after reviewing his history, they could not believe how well he was doing = Our little warrior. <3

Besides the chaos involved with all of the follow ups, Liam saw his primary doctor every few weeks or even more frequent due to frequent colds and ear infections, we ended up in the ER roughly 4 times due to Liam having trouble breathing, or high fevers. When Liam was 11 months old he had Eustachian tubes placed, and was also diagnosed with asthma shortly after. Once the tubes were successfully placed and Liam was on the correct asthma medication, things actually slowed down for us, for a moment anyway....this month his cycle of follows ups start up again so we will be busy! I am looking very much forward to spending valentines day with the guy who owns my heart!

Overall, I am happy to say that for the most part we have been absolutely beyond blessed to spend the majority of our time ....like any other parents. We waited for all the milestones, they came and we would celebrate and Thank God. We dealt with teething, sleepless nights, separation anxiety and all of the other things parents experience, and through it all we couldn't be happier! We recently celebrated Liam's first birthday, it was a huge celebration and a great time- I thought the superhero theme was appropriate!

The Lauren's Hope Foundation

This is such an emotional post I am not even sure where to begin. I suppose this article will help http://articles.mcall.com/2013-02-16/health/mc-baby-brain-lauren-hope-foundation-20130216_1_cerebral-palsy-healthy-baby-brain-injury

The first time I had heard anything about the Lauren's Hope Foundation, I was staring at my baby boy for one of the first times, and I was completely consumed with mother love. Everything that was being told to me was getting filed away with all of the other "unbelievables" of the week...it wasn't until later that I actually put all of the pieces together. When it finally hit me that my son was the first baby to have this therapy, I couldn't believe it. Everyone from the NICU was so professional, reassuring, and comforting. Even as a nurse I could not detect one ounce of uncertainty in how this treatment was carried out, and I quickly realized that they had been studying, training, and preparing for this so carefully, and were just as excited as we were to see Liam thrive. The bonds we made with the NICU staff was unforgettable, and we will always share that special connection. What is even more phenomenal is that this program should have taken over 5 years to put into place, and with the dedication of Ann Flood and Lorraine Dickey, this program was ready in just over 2 years - right in time for Liam. The unbelievable part here is that if the program was not in place at LVH, Liam would have needed to get transported to Philadelphia for the treatment, and there is a good chance that he would have missed the 6 hour window to initiate treatment. After it all sank in, I realized that although Liam's journey had been rough and I may never understand why, it was the one he was meant to travel.

During our stay at the NICU, it just so happened that Ann and Dan Flood were there getting pictures during the hanging of the plaque in the lobby, and we just so happened to be heading to the cafeteria and we got to Meet them! I will still in a wheelchair at that point, as there was no way I could walk the distance to the cafeteria. The first time I met Ann, I felt so... insignificant. I was steal dealing with a lot of different emotions from the delivery, including guilt.  But in the few moments of talking to Ann for the first time, I realized this woman was not only stronger than anyone I had ever met, but her inspiration, and determination literally beamed out of her eyes. This woman had a heart made of pure love, and she instantly lifted my spirit. That day, Ann got to meet Liam for the first time. This was special, since most of our family had not even had this opportunity yet. I felt so honored in that moment, when she looked at my son and together we acknowledged that her pain, love, and determination had finally paid off. I know in my heart nothing could ever take away the pain from losing her precious angel, but I felt in some small way that this bittersweet moment made her heart sing!

Since that first day, we have participated in many foundation events, including the Butterfly Ball, Lauren's Hope 5K, annual golf outing, and "wings for hope." We have enjoyed sharing the joy of our little miracle with all those involved, as we are so grateful for all of their efforts!

Here is a clip from Lehigh Valley's annual report, featuring the Lauren's Hope Foundation and Liam!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGRFwAubI_I

Another article about this amazing foundation!

http://www.mdnews.com/news/2012_03/05782_marapr2012_laurenshope.aspx

And Finally here is the Foundation's website!

http://www.laurenshopefoundation.com/

Therapeutic Hypothermia, aka head cooling for brain injuries in newborns

"Hypoxic brain injury is caused by lack of oxygen in a baby's brain during labor and/or delivery. It can lead to death or permanent brain damage. Therapeutic hypothermia (deliberate lowering of the body temperature) aims to cool the brain soon after birth and for several days afterwards to prevent secondary brain damage. It is done by cooling either the baby's head with a purpose-made cap, or the whole body with a purpose-made blanket or mattress.  The baby's temperature is measured throughout to ensure that the right amount of cooling is used. After cooling, the baby's temperature is gradually returned to normal."

 SO....Where did this whole entire idea come from? Well, it's actually quite interesting. If you would like to know more about it, here is an awesome article...http://www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2013/dec/10/life-death-therapeutic-hypothermia-anna-bagenholm

So your next question might be...how did this breakthrough treatment come to the Lehigh Valley Hospital? Read onto the next blog post about the Lauren's Hope Foundation to find out!!!!

So basically our son was born with an anoxic brain injury due to a loss of oxygen, also known as Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy. I had never heard of this treatment before... All I could hope was for the best. Here are a few key points and links to article see below to further explain technically what this treatment is all about.

1. "Cooling was safe and did not result in serious side-effects." ...and all I remember is being told in recovery that this treatment COULD help, but it definitely won't hurt" I remember I quickly started shaking my head yes to the doctor as if saying, "Go Go Go!"

2. "Cooling did not have any effect on seizures within the first 3 days of life." (basically what this means is that although during the treatment you may notice your child experiencing what appears to be a seizure...which did happen to us, it does NOT mean that the treatment is not effective, good information to have but not something anyone will come out and say!)

3. "Although major neurodevelopmental disability as a whole was reduced by cooling, there was no benefit of cooling with regard to separate outcomes of cerebral palsy, neuromotor delay, developmental delay, blindness or sensorineural deafness requiring hearing aids." (what I want to stress here is that even though we were watching our child meet major milestones and thrive, and we were sure he was okay- the doctors still continue to traumatize you repeatedly telling you that your child is still at VERY high risk for all of these things!... you will never hear a doctor tell you your child is going to be OKAY even though you know in your heart you know they will be, it causes you to always second guess yourself, and as a momma, that kills me!)

4. "Until recently there was no effective treatment for HIE; once an infant developed asphyxia, there was no way to stop brain damage or death from occurring."



http://www.lvhn.org/lehighvalleyhealthnews/2013/02/26/hypothermia-treatment-gives-easton-newborn-hope-and-brings-family-peace-of-mind/

http://www.nationwidechildrens.http://apps.who.int/rhl/newborn/cd003311_ballotde_com/en/org/neonatal-therapeutic-hypothermia

NICU stay

Going into the NICU for the first time I was being pushed in a wheelchair by my husband, I felt so many emotions, excitement, fear, happiness, devastation.....enough emotion to literally make me explode. I remember laying my eyes on him for the first time, knowing that he WAS going to make it, although we didn't know at what capacity yet.....our little miracle looked so beautiful, so peaceful....and so...quiet all at the same time. My heart ached in a way I never knew it could when I looked at him in that NICU isolate, I wanted to badly to know what the future would hold for my new family, and I was just so proud of my son.

The first few nights Liam was in the NICU my husband and I stayed on campus at the Hackerman Patz house, which was comfortable like a hotel. The very first night was the most excruciatingly painful night of my life, breathing hurt....I wondered if I would ever be able to stop taking pain medicine. All I wanted was to be able to be healthy and take care of my baby, HOLD my baby, and mostly...nurse my baby. I wanted to do the NORMAL things a mother does for her child, that she is expected to do for her child....everything was so confusing to me still and answers were not to be expected. When I finally did drift off to sleep I remember we got a call in the middle of the night, my husband jumped up and talked to whomever had called him on the phone. My heart raced as the absolute worst scenarios ran through my head, but I couldn't move my body. I will never take for granted the ability to use "core muscles!" A few minutes later I was filled with joy to find that our baby boy was awakening and over breathing his vent and they needed to take him off the ventilator! We rushed to his bedside, and we got to witness our baby boy taking his first breaths off the ventilator, we were so happy but also upset that he didn't really cry. It was explained to us that he might night just yet, as he was on a lot of medication and still quite groggy. Our gorgeous little miracle had taken another huge step in the right direction, what a true warrior. The following day at the NICU my doctor called me to check on my and Liam, his exact words were, "I cannot believe you are doing so well.....there is someone above watching over you....what you went through you really could have gotten very sick after such an emergent surgery." It was all so surreal, I couldn't even begin to ask myself, how, why ?? By this point in time I had found out that the head cooling machine my son had been placed on was JUST dedicated at some point within the last 24 hours before his birth. At this time I am just going to quickly mention the fact that the equipment that made this treatment possible was DONATED by a foundation, a foundation with an AMAZING story. The story of Lauren's Hope, there will be an entire post dedicated to this at some other time but for now that's all I will write......as hard as it was to accept at the time, I knew Our story was playing out exactly the way God had planned.... going through all this and staying sane required me to put ALOT of FAITH in GOD. As a mom such an unexplainable traumatic delivery caused anger to rage in my heart and soul....but I KNEW I had to put these emotions aside at this time and trust that whatever His plan was.....would work out the way it was supposed to......


For the whole story of our NICU stay, please visit our carepage site via the LVH http://www.carepages.com/carepages/LiamDavidNagy

Pictures from the events on 1/9/13

My Version of Events

During my pregnancy, I had a few minor complications, including a cervical lesion which the doctors did not feel would affect my delivery (found at about 20 weeks), gestational diabetes (found late at 34 weeks) along with polyhydramnios. Although I was never diagnosed, I had gestational hypertension ruled out about 3 times and was sent home from the hospital. The delivery plan changed a few times, because at 34 weeks my son was 7 lbs, the doctors told me they didn't expect that I would be able to deliver vaginally, however, they placed me on a diabetic diet and told me we could try, since I wanted to. Miraculously, after being very diligent for 3 weeks, testing my sugars three to four times a day, eating lots of nuts and fruit, my baby had only gained a 1/2 lb in 3 weeks!!! The doctors told me the diet worked, and that I would have no issues with a vaginal delivery. However, my specialist felt it would be safest to be induced at 39 weeks, due to my gestational diabetes, as well as a few other things that I had going on. On Friday, December 20th, 2013, I was running some errands. I had recently been seen in the ER for "labile" blood pressures and headaches up until this point in time, but nothing serious was found and I was sent home. During this time I was told numerous times to "call someone if you have any visual changes." Of course, I already knew this, as I am a nurse! On this particular day, I began having strobe lighting within my vision, I will never forget it- it was so strange, and I kept telling myself that I must be crazy. While driving, I blinked my eyes several times to clear my vision, but the lighting did not go away. Imagine if you are asleep in a dark room and someone throws the lights on....or you have about 30 camera flashes in your face at once = this is what I experienced for about an hour. I was very careful driving home, and paged my doctor. I got a call back about 1.5 hours later. By this time, I laid down, put a pillow over my face, and dosed off for about 10-15 minutes. When the phone rang, and I opened my eyes, the lighting was gone. The doctor and I went back and forth about what happened, of course I was asked (quite forcefully) "do you feel you need to be seen in the office right now?" I decided to respond, "I have been laying down for a few minutes, the lighting is gone and I do not have a headache right now- I was told to inform you if I had any change in vision so that is why I paged you right away." The doctor explained to me that these changes were due to my "anxiety" and that I had to stop "worrying." *At this point I had a serious conversation with my husband about changing doctors - this was not the first time we had this conversation. Looking back, I OFTEN wish I had changed, but instead we decided that it would be most likely more risky to change at this point in time.* On Monday, December 23rd, I showed up to the specialist office for my routine twice weekly check up for my non stress test and BPP. The doctor heard what had happened on Friday, and came to speak with me right away. He explained, "Jeanine, at this point I am worried not for your baby...but for you. I feel that you should be immediately seen at the ER, and if the doctors feel it necessary you should be delivered today." The specialist explained to me that although he could make "recommendations" that I be delivered, the OB on call at the hospital I was going to deliver would ultimately make the decision. I told the doctor I would be happy to go to the hospital he was affiliated at if this would be safer, and I was assured my original choice for delivery would be fine. I was seen in the ER and sent home with a 24 hour urine collection, which let me tell you was a blast on Christmas Eve. I called my favorite nurse who took care of me at the specialist's office. I explained what happened, and my husband and I shared our concerns, as I had not even been seen by a doctor (of course since it is a holiday!)... This was her response, "they obviously cannot find an emergent reason for you to deliver the baby tonight, and as the doctor told you we can only make recommendations, we cannot force them to deliver you. All I can say is that from what you are telling me, it sounds like you are having labile blood pressures and what that could mean is that your body is gearing you up for something, if you start to feel funny at all go right to the hospital, you know your body and when something is not right..." After this trip to the ER, I felt FANTASTIC! The only issue I was having, was that I began having black floaters in my eyes, both eyes. It originally started here and there, and eventually were present all the time." My husband swore I was crazy, the doctor said it was hormones, that it would go away with the pregnancy, nobody seemed concerned at all.... Fast forward to January 9th. I was told to come to the hospital the following am to be prepped for induction, as I was already 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. (The doctor acted as though he did not feel I needed to be induced, and this is another area where I go back to often...if I had trusted him more maybe I would have refused to be induced, I would have at least questioned it more as the two doctors were disagreeing, but I decided to go along with my specialist, who seemed to have my best interest at heart) I was told Pitocin would be started at 7am, and on average women deliver their first child within 8 hours of being induced. I arrived to the hospital on 1/9/2013 and Pitocin was started as expected. The doctor saw me before his first scheduled c section of the day. FIRST weird thing that happened... The doctor told me that I was still only 2cm dilated, but that I was now only 40% effaced. His exact words, "that's weird, I don't think I have seen that before" (referring to my effacement, which was 50% previously.)" As a nurse, this of course sent warning bells off in my head, but at this point I was beginning to become more uncomfortable, and I made up my mind- *I am in this now with this doctor, and I have to trust him or else I will drive myself mad.* Then about 9am the doctor came back to check on me, the decision was made to break my water, and my Pitocin drip was increased at this point. The doctor told me he would be back again soon. At 11:00am, and I was told I was 3 cm dilated at this point and 80% effaced. I was told that the doctor needed to go to the office, which I was unhappy to hear since today was one of the days he did not see patients in the office, but I was told he would be back soon. The last thing I remember the doctor telling me was not to opt to get an epidural very soon, as it would slow labor down and I was already moving too slowly. Then he left. By noon, I was in excruciating pain. I called for the nurse. From one look at me, she knew I was in agony. She checked me and explained that I was dilated to 5cm, 80%, 0 station. She told me she would page the doctor and anesthesia. I received my epidural about 12:30. I was in so much pain, I could barely keep still, my husband had to practically hold me down. Shortly after the epidural, I violently vomited. I felt so ill, I just wanted it to be over at this point and get my baby boy out,I began to feel that something was wrong... About 1pm, the nurse noticed that the epidural had not been too effective, as I was still in ALOT of pain, she checked me again, and told me I was 8cm dilated. At some time a short while later, I was still having a great amount of pain, and her exact words at this point were "this baby is coming really fast, he may get here before the doctor, we are going to start pushing, YOU ARE FULLY DILATED." For the next few minutes, I had about 3 cycles of pushing, the doctor was not present initially, but showed up in the middle of this. Now, everything happened at once, I remember the doctor saying "she's not complete." (What this means is I was not completely dilated, apparently, I was at 9 cm and had a cervical rim which I still don't fully understand to this day.) Then oxygen was placed in my nostrils, I was told multiple times to roll to my left and right sides. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG. They tried to place an internal lead to get my son's heart beat, but something was wrong with the equipment. The doctor told me he was going to let me push. I gave one BIG push when coached, and EVERYTHING WENT BLACK. When I came to, I was being told another contraction was coming, and I needed to push again. They asked if I "felt the urge to push." I was trying to tell them...it didn't feel right, I didn't feel the urge....Suddenly the room got loud and the doctor said I am giving you ONE more chance to push and then we are going to need to take you for a C section. The nurse told me she saw a contraction coming....she told me "I know you can do this now PUSH"....I tried to push, but my body felt....disconnected, like I had no control. After that, they were wheeling me down the hallway into the operating room. I remember being cold...really cold. I remember they had me tied down, like I have seen done to so many patients and prayed I would never need to be in that position. Panic set in, but also excitement, that I would see my little baby boy in just a few short minutes. All of a sudden, I look over at the doctor, I see his face. I know that face. His face is saying, "oh shit." The doctor says, "she ruptured...posteriorly. I have never seen this before." The doctor continued to repeat this about three times. I grasped my husbands hand, looking up at him saying, "this is BAD this is REALLY BAD..." My husband looked at me with calm eyes, and said, "everything will be alright." I felt like I was in a nightmare. Seconds turned to years. I wanted my baby. I wanted to live. Everything was fuzzy. I felt like I was floating. The anesthesiologist asked if I was okay, right as he asked me I started having severe pain and I told him it hurt.....a few minutes later I felt NOTHING.I heard the doctor say he wanted pictures, someone get pictures of this!... I realized NOBODY had said anything about my baby. I realized I had not heard my baby cry...it was the most painful thing I have every felt I was so afraid they would tell me he didn't make it. My baby didn't cry. I debated this in my head, am I crazy? If he didn't cry why is my husband sitting here next to me so calm.....it seemed like a million years went by. The doctor leaned over the curtain and looked at me and said, "Jeanine, your uterus ruptured, I might have to perform a hysterectomy, I am going to do the best I can to repair the rupture." That was it. Nothing about my baby boy. I tried to ask my husband about the baby...I could barely pull myself out of the sedation, but I did the best I could.....then I heard the words....."he is in the NICU, on a ventilator." My husband was stone solid- I couldn't understand it....why did he act all calm like that? I was so confused and so cold....and then I started to shake.....it seemed like forever, until finally they all started asking me if I was ok, as if I could answer....I remember the doctor saying, "suction" over and over again.....everything started to fade.....I started to believe I wasn't going to make it...I remember my husband whispering to me that he was going to check on our son, and he would see me in recovery. Another million years went by....I remember trying so hard to hear what was going on, but I was so tired...I remember hearing the doctor say to another doctor "would you like to close?" I remember hearing the other doctor say he had never done this before...and then I remember the MOST horrifying words I could ever remember... my doctor said, "WHO says they don't let you do anything at this hospital???" With an almost sarcastic tone, one that scared me, one that made me really wonder if I was going to make it out of this OR before this nightmare ended. As a nurse, I cannot tell you how scary these things are to witness when you are the one lying on the operating table completely sedated but able to hear EVERYTHING that is going on. After this....I remember coming to in the recovery room, and it seems as though my first nightmare had ended and a new one had begun.... I was lying in recovery, I was told to put my glasses on and they were handed to me. I was told that my baby boy would be coming, so I could get to "see" him. I was introduced to Dr. Dickey, from the NICU at Lehigh Valley Hospital. WHAT? Dr. Dickey explained to me that my baby boy had been born not breathing due to my rupture, he was deprived of oxygen, was on a ventilator. The next part was worse. I was told that my baby boy was having seizures, his brain was swelling, and that he had encephalopathy, he was "posturing." This last part killed me. I remembered back to my nursing classes when they taught about "posturing" and "brain injuries" and immediately pictured a baby, my baby, a complete vegetable, I could barely keep it together....but then Dr. Dickey explained that if they transported him to LVH they could place him on a new treatment that would hopefully help prevent any permanent injury to his brain, therapeutic hypothermia. The Dr. explained everything so fast and so perfectly all I could do was shake my head yes...take him, help him I was thinking. I had never heard of anything like this before. Then my husband was telling me he was leaving too....to be with the baby, he was sorry but I didn't care at all- I wanted him to be with our son! Then....they rolled my baby in to see me....he had tubes and wires all over him, he was so tiny, all bundled up in his transport isolate, his face was turned toward me and when I saw him through the window he took my breath away... he was absolutely beautiful. Before I had much of a chance to take everything in I was told they needed to take him. Before I knew it my husband and baby were gone and I was by myself in recovery. I tried to tell myself it would be ok. I kept hearing whispering. Lots of whispering. It was annoying, I was the only one in this little recovery room, what the hell could you be whispering about, me? my baby? my rupture? ...was I ever going to get out of this recovery room? would I get to go to see my baby? I had no answers at all....I couldn't sleep but was too groggy to be awake completely, I heard everything, I felt everything....it was literally a living nightmare, and all I wanted was my baby. I came to again in the ICU. I remember meeting the nurse, I remember my mother in law being there, I remember the doctor telling me he had never seen this type of rupture before and that it took him and another surgeon 3 hours to stich me up, I remember him saying, "you might need to go back to the OR tonight, I don't know if my repair is going to hold, there was a lot of blood. If you feel that you start bleeding at any point in time, let someone know right away." Oh yea, then he told me he cut my son's arm with the scapula when he went to get him out and there was no uterus left...I was so incredibly angry. I wanted my son with me at that point. His poor arm. His poor brain. My poor incredibly baby boy. I could only imagine what they had to do to him. I was so upset. Thank goodness they had me on sedatives. The next am, I saw pictures of my little boy, my husband came to see me. His eyes were so swollen - he didn't look like himself at all- like the little face I had engraved into my memory and kept there all night long... it made my heart bleed. My husband told me he was getting the cooling cap treatment, he was on a ventilator only because they needed to keep him sedated, my poor little baby was on versed and fentanyl. My heart hurt worse than my body, I felt so helpless, I was SO angry, I had no answers about anything. I had more visitors and tried to keep a straight face, I got a blood transfusion...the doctor told me "it looks like your out of the woods, but you still need to stay for another night or two...I demanded to be transferred to LVH to be with my baby. I was told no, that "if something were to happen to me and I needed to be rushed to surgery, only my surgeon would be able to fix me." I agreed to stay 3 days, but I told my doctor that Sunday I was leaving to go see my baby no matter what! I remember being back on the maternity ward, originally this made me happy since I didn't die, but then overnight when my visitors were gone I heard the loud cries of healthy babies all night, and it made my heart sick...I was mad I didn't realize how bad that would hurt, it was pure torture. My family visited, as well as friends. One time, a family member called, and caught me off guard when I answered the phone saying "he's beautiful" ....it dawned on me that here I was sitting in this god forsaken hospital room, and my little baby was far away at another facility, and other people get to look at him and I couldn't!!!! I lost it - I was so angry, and upset....I kept telling myself that it wouldn't be long.... Finally Sunday came, and I was released to go see my son. It was the most painful car ride I have ever taken, but I didn't care. I finally pulled up, and saw the sign for the LVH NICU. It was pure joy, and pure fear of what I would encounter beyond these doors....

My Supernova: Liam David

On January 9th, 2013 at 2:13pm, my life changed forever in many ways. As many of you know, this is the day my son, Liam David, was born. The reason I am creating this blog is to share with others the experience of my devastating delivery, and also the miracles that have come about since those catastrophic hours, and how they have changed my life forever. This blog is for ME ....the mother, the woman, the nurse, the patient, the wife, the SURVIVOR! I want to share my joys and trials of motherhood, which have become much more emotional due to the events of my delivery...if there are other mothers that relate to me, or others that went through difficult births that relate, I am happy to share my story! 

supernova (ˌsuːpəˈnəʊvə)

n, pl -vae (-viː) or -vas

1. (Astronomy) a star that explodes catastrophically owing to either instabilities following the exhaustion of its nuclear fuel or gravitational collapse following the accretion of matter from an orbiting companion star, becoming for a few days up to one hundred million times brighter than the sun.